Children and Divorce

Utah Divorce & Children

Before I get into the substance of this blog, I want to throw out my usual disclaimer: I am not a trained therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, mentalist, etc. These suggestions come from observing my clients, there is no legal bases for any of these observations, its just my own personal thoughts and perhaps some recommendations.  

Usually the hardest part of a Utah divorce is the affect the divorce has on your children. There is an ongoing debate as to whether it is better for the kids for the parents to just stick it out, or whether the children are better off if their parents just get a divorce. In my personal experience, it seems that most of the people I represent in divorce cases have minor children. Although I have had more than a few clients wait until their children leave the home before they go through with the divorce. 

Again, the theories vary depending on who you ask, but I think whether or not the divorce is appropriate really depends on the specific situation. In my non-clinical experience, kids are better off if their parents get along, Whether they separate and get along or stay together and get along, the kids are better off. In other words, if the options are stay together and fight all the time, or separate and play nice, separation might be better. But if you are able to stay together and be civil, and even kind to each other, that is probably the better situation. But for the purposes of this blog, we're going to assume that the parties have divorced/separated.

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Stay Involved

The most important aspect of any separation involving children is that BOTH PARENTS STAY INVOLVED. Despite my disclaimer, I am comfortable saying that this has been my experience, and is generally accepted by the medical community as well. Children that have both parents in their lives tend to excel and have a more well-rounded adolescence. This includes exercising parent time, making phone calls, sending cards, basically anything you would do had you never gotten divorced. Whether you have the children most of the time, or just see them on occassion, make sure they know you want to be a part of their lives.

Be Respectful to the Other Parent

Respect each Other

Studies have also shown that it is important to show that you support the other parent's involvement in the children's lives. Don't talk bad about the other parent to your kids. In other words, if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. But if you can, SAY SOMETHING NICE! Remember, this is your kids' mom or dad, they need them in their lives and they need to know that their parents support each other. So if you absolutely have nothing nice to say about your ex, just don't say anything. But if you can give him some credit and even compliment him/her, that is even better. Do not argue in front of the kids, if you expect a discussion to become heated, or it does become heated, take it somewhere else. Remember, this is about your kids and what is best for them, not you. 

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Be Honest

Honest Abe

Its important that your kids understand why it didn't work out between you and your spouse. Children have a tendency to take blame for their parents' divorce, and this is even more so the case if they don't know why the two of you separated. That's not to say you should tell your kids that your spouse cheated on you, or something like that, but you should explain to them very clearly that you and your spouse had difference that could not be ignored. That you separated because the two of you didn't get along, not because anything the kids did or didn't do. Be patient with your children and most of all be reassuring, make sure they know that you both still love them and always will.

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Listen

LISTEN

LISTEN to your children. Encourage and allow them to express their feelings. If they express concerns address those concerns with them and make sure they are resolved. Sometimes individual or family counseling can help, but whether or not you decide to go that route, make sure your home is a safe place wherein the kids can know that they can come to you and you will listen and help them. A divorce can and will turn a child's life upside down, you need to make sure they know that you are there for them, and even better, both parents will be there for them no matter what.

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Take Care of Yourself

This step is a little less obvious than the others, but it is important that you take care of yourself. Not only emotionally but physically as well. Make sure you are getting support from family or friends, and if you're not ask them to support you more, or even start going to a support group. If your kids see that you are taking the necessary steps to go forward with your life, they will likely do the same. Again, even exercising and eating right can help everyone accept the reality of the situation and better cope with it.

Red Flags

Red Flags about your Child

If after a while it appears things are getting worse, it may be a sign that your child needs some outside counseling. Watch for the following warning signs: 

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Trouble at school
• Drug or alcohol abuse

• Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders
• Frequent angry or violent outbursts
• Withdrawal from loved ones
• Refusal of loved activities

As long as you keep the lines of communication with your children open, and observe their behavior, you can usually get in front of any major issues that have resulted from the divorce.

Again, I am not a trained counselor or therapist, so if you are dealing with these issues call a professional. But if you are looking for a Utah divorce attorney that has experience in dealing with divorce and the potential aftermath, call Pearson Law Firm for a free consultation with an experienced Utah divorce attorney, call today. 801-888-0991

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